A Tale of Two Marriages

I can’t believe it has been two whole years since I posted to this blog. I’m sorry. I have no excuse. I’ve heard from so many wonderful dominants and submissives in that time, and I hope my past posts have been helpful for new readers.

My wife and I have come a long way in the last two years. Let me describe two marriages.

In the first one, the couple has sex on a perfect schedule. There’s always money left over from paying the bills. The house runs like clockwork–laundry, dishes, cleaning, and maintenance happen automatically. Groceries and supplies magically appear when needed. Evenings are relaxed, weekends are full of fun and adventure. There are no disagreements, no arguments, no differences of opinions. The marriage serves as a platform to build a great career, pursue fulfilling adventures and a loving family.

The second marriage is marked by profound sexual frustration, frequent humiliation, and occasional coercion. Money is constantly watched over for any sign of problems. House chores are relentless, and only one spouse does housework, so the other spouse changes their work schedule to take one day every other week off from work to keep up. It seems any trip anywhere includes a stop at the grocery store on the way home. Evenings are spent catering to one person’s whims. Weekends are a death march, with cooking, more cleaning, and food prep happening between jaunts on ‘fun’ trips. There is no space for opinions or ideas. The marriage is a job.

The first marriage is the one my dominant wife lives and the one everyone else sees. The second marriage is the one I, her submissive husband, live every day.

In 2016, after my last post, she embraced full control of our sex life–and remade it. She was always clear that penetrative sex is not her preferred way of getting off. Even as we have continued being intimate–and she has continued receiving orgasms–I have only been inside her five times in the past two years (and one of those times, I was not allowed to orgasm!).

My masturbation schedule has been reduced, and I only wear my Holy Trainer when I’m very desperate and close to orgasm. I generally go three weeks or so between orgasms, with the first week or so unlocked. I had just over a dozen orgasms in 2017.

My wife believes it’s not worthwhile to her for me to only orgasm inside her, so she is OK with masturbation as long as it’s on her (rare) schedule. However, she finds it distasteful, and after years of masturbating in the bed or shower, she asked me early this past year to begin masturbating on my knees directly into the toilet. It’s out of her sight, and guarantees cleanup will be done properly (since I’m responsible for cleaning the toilets), but it’s also yet another humiliation. Sulking back to bed, pulling my panties back up over my painted toenails and shaved legs, after jerking off into the toilet is how the majority of my orgasms end now.

As I have become more sissified and feminized (I’m writing this wearing the new faux leather leggings, tight mockneck sweater, and thong bodyshaper Naughty Santa got me for Xmas!), my wife has continually mentioned that she would like me to start cumming more femininely, meaning more rarely and without jerking or pumping. Being a researcher, she has cited evidence (which I dare not argue with) that the average woman has an orgasm every other month. It’s her desire that I orgasm six times, and that I replace stroking into the toilet with using a vibrator to ejaculate into a maxi pad stuck into my panties. My last two orgasms have happened this way, and they are among the most intense orgasms I have ever felt.

Some things that may happen in 2018:

My wife may decide to forego penetrative sex completely. I’m never going to penetrate better than I eat pussy, and my cock is never going to do any of the things her vibrators can do.

I’m tucking and taping more while wearing feminine/sissy attire, and using the cage less. I still can’t get hard or feel any stimulation either way, but there is no bulge at all with a tuck and tape.

In less sexy news, I may start trying a grocery delivery service to eliminate a chore. I’ve pitched it to my wife, and now she is considering it. I’m also going to be starting a daily yoga habit in an effort to become calmer, more accepting and open, better able to cope with frustration, and as an excuse to get cute new workout clothes. I’ll be waking up 30 minutes early (and going to be 30 minutes earlier, so done with chores 30 minutes earlier…) to do this. I’m writing this here to keep me accountable!

This post has gotten longer than I’d intended. I hope it hasn’t been boring. Please feel free to email (lovecherishobey@gmail.com) or leave a comment.


Update: My First Year in Chastity

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know I haven’t been in chastity the ENTIRE year. Here’s an update:


My wife’s interest in chastity comes and goes. She loves the effect it has had on my personality and our relationship, but sometimes her interest in general kink comes and goes. She’s never sick of it or opposed to it, but we’ve been D/s for so long it’s just kind of assumed and frankly a little boring.¬†

I’m always happy to answer questions on email (lovecherishobey@gmail.com) and in the comments, but I’ll answer the predictable ones now.

What was the longest time you went without an orgasm?

Earlier in the year, she started me off by stretching out the time we went between my orgasms. The longest I went without an orgasm was approximately three months.

How many orgasms did you have last year?

So I’ve more or less lost count. It was more than 20, but definitely less than 30. If I had to guess I’d say 24. We went on three trips this year and my wife likes vacation sex.

How many times did your wife orgasm last year?

About 5 orgasms for her for every one of mine. That I know of ūüėČ

What device do you use?

I wear a Holy Trainer 2.0, regular tube, in pink. It’s very comfortable. I know commenters have said it’s possible to slide out, especially with a ‘comfortable’ ring. Removing it while locked would be extremely painful for me–I’ve tried! My ring is on the tighter side but I put lotion around my balls when I install it, which eliminates chafing.

Where is your key kept?

My wife has a chain that she keeps our key on. When it’s just us and she wants to show off, it’s around her neck. In public, she has a Tiffany Key that she wears openly, even around our parents. She and I know what it signifies, and everyone else just assumes she has conventional taste in jewelry. When she’s wearing her Tiffany I know better than to fucking ask where the key is. That would be more time.

Are you allowed to masturbate while released?

Technically yes, but this would be frowned upon by my wife so I avoid it. All but a half-dozen or so orgasms were had with my wife. I confessed each time, and time was added to each locked period.

Does she tease you?

Yes. With the cage on. we tried teasing with the cage off but it took forever to get soft and it was very tempting to run off and play with myself.


Do you have your prostate milked?

We haven’t tried this. She’s in the medical field and did some research. Three months has no negative effects, and some data show potential positive effects.

How long will you go for this year?

I don’t know, that’s not my decision to make anymore.


Should More Men be in Chastity?

Having spent much of the past year locked in chastity, I have undergone huge positive changes in my life. From reading and communicating with other locked and submissive males, I have come to believe that chastity makes nearly all men into better people. It’s much more than losing control over his genitals. It’s submission, a loss of control, and an acceptance that a lot of what society tells men is complete nonsense.


When men are chastised, they are more considerate, more obedient, more thoughtful, more helpful. Let’s face it–while quite a few men are honest about their submissiveness, there are many many more who would have better lives if they admitted their inferiority and sought out a dominant partner to whom they could pledge their loyalty and obedience.

There would be many benefits for the chastised male. They would (finally!) be able to see themselves as submissive and obedient, and could explore that in other ways in their lives. How have they been lying to themselves? Becoming chaste would give many men a much-needed wakeup call for other aspects of their lives.

Once in chastity, men become become calmer, friendlier, more patient, and more pleasant to be around. In return for all this, men only need to give up instant sexual gratification. Is the ability to play with yourself whenever you want really that important that men are willing to sacrifice a better personality?

Men would find that their relationships with their significant other, if they have one, would improve immediately as a result. Besides all the improvements in their comportment mentioned above, they would have given their dominant partner an expression of love and trust that is hard to top–the key to their sexual pleasure.

Once locked up, it’s natural to feel frustrated. This frustration is a good thing, because it teaches men subconsciously that there are some things they cannot have and cannot do. They must accept another person’s opinion, leadership, guidance, and commands. This frustration is healthy. It helps to break down the male ego and all the lies males are told in our society.

Once a chastised male¬†can accept their frustration over their inability to control their penis, it will be easier to deal with frustration that might come from their dominant’s control over other parts of their lives. Giving up decision making to their dominant partner over other areas will cause both the dominant and submissive to feel calmer and more fulfilled. Taking orders is much easier when your dominant controls your next orgasm.


When a male cannot have an orgasm himself, he will quickly learn to find his partner’s orgasms fulfilling. If his dominant partner is a woman, he will quickly master the art of giving her pleasure, and find her orgasms bring him more joy and satisfaction than his own brief spurts. If his dominant partner is another man, he will find it rewarding to try to find out how much pleasure his dominant can possibly take.

If the dominant seeks to try new things in bed, he will of course agree to it. While he may desperately want to penetrate his lover, he cannot, because he is inferior and his lover does not wish him to experience that sensation. Perhaps the lover instead wishes to penetrate him? Once chastised, he will willingly agree to it. Once he does, the pleasure it gives will be more than enough to convince him to try it again and again. How long before he is conflicted over giving or receiving?

When a man cannot have an orgasm, he will also learn to find pleasure in other parts of his body. Simply being kissed all over will become extremely erotic. Touching and massage will provoke powerful responses. Teasing will be the best he can get, and he will willingly take it. Knowing that his partner has ordered his genitals to be small and soft, and then knowing that his partner is intentionally causing him to become aroused, will reinforce that his partner does not find his erection, or his penis at all for that matter, to be an important part of their relationship. The important thing is the man himself, and the obedience and service he provides.

When locked up, the way a man looks at other women (or men, if he’s gay) changes. He becomes tense around them, and they make him slightly nervous. This is as it should be. He will have a constant reminder that his sex is under someone else’s control.


I could go on, and I probably will in subsequent posts. But having been in chastity for a year (updates to come), I’ve found it an invaluable part of making me a better spouse, lover, and man.

I firmly believe more men should be in chastity. Masculinity in our culture is fundamentally broken, and the symbolic act of giving up control of our sex is a powerful statement that we want to be something better.

I’d love to hear from men and women, straight or LGBTQ, submissives and dominants alike, if you think of any more reasons why more men should be placed in chastity.



A Submissive Sissy Boy’s Christmas List

My wife is¬†enjoying new ways of helping me express my feminine side. This is hardly the ‘forced feminization’ of internet fantasy–I’d like to be fully sissified, but my wife isn’t really into that, and it’s a fine line you have to follow when you’re married (and particularly when you’re accustomed to being obedient to your wife).

All that aside, there’s a sissy Christmas list to go along with my real Christmas list. I’ve shared both with my wife, and we’ll see what ideas she likes!

I’m not going to reproduce the entire thing here, but here are some highlights:



  • Around-the-house tights in cute colors from White Plum and/or Black Milk


  • Workout clothes from UnderArmour, Nike, or maybe even Athleta
  • Cute (i.e. bright but tasteful) workout shoes from Nike
  • Better hair-removal tools
  • More colors of nail polish! I’m getting addicted, even if my wife doesn’t like my choice of colors
  • Closer-fitting mens jeans and khakis
  • Shapewear to wear under these closer-fitting pants to help my shape

And lastly, every sissy’s favorite present:


  • Panties! We’ve found that fun and lacy just don’t work well with a chastity cage, but that a pair with more coverage a heavier fabric will keep a cage tucked nicely away and eliminate almost all the bulge, which helps when wearing tights.

Being Locked in Chastity Is the Best Thing That Happened to Me This Year

This past year has been one of the best of my life, and one of the best years of marriage my wife and I have had since getting married six years ago. A lot of things have come together to make this great situation come together, but I’m confident in saying that being kept chaste and frequently locked up has has had the biggest role in my happiness this past year.


Before being locked in chastity earlier this year, my wife had enforced temporary chastity on an as-needed basis, but my expectation was always that my orgasm would come soon…my fulfillment would be achieved, my satisfaction would occur no matter what.

Knowing that I was merely delaying my happiness made the game interesting, but hardly fulfilling. With far longer periods of chastity coming this year, and the frequent presence of my chastity device, the focus has shifted. I believe the key to my happiness this past year has been due not to the denial of orgasm, but to the elimination of the expectation of orgasm.

As the year has progressed, intervals between orgasms have lengthened. I will have fewer orgasms this year than I did in some days as a teenager! I have been chaste for several weeks now, and I am told it will be at least until the new year before I orgasm again.

So my next orgasm is a very long way away. It’s so long, in fact, that it’s no longer useful for me to think about when I’m coming next. This past year, I’ve learned to give up that part of myself that receives lasting pleasure from orgasm. It’s fun, but it’s now an incidental part of sex. The last few times I’ve reached an orgasm, I’ve been ambivalent about it because it’s not what gives me the greatest pleasure anymore.

This picture came across my Tumblr recently, and I think it’s a great example (sorry, I can’t figure out a way to add the photo here without losing the link to Tumblr). When I’m chaste, cuddling with my wife is just that–cuddling, being close to one another, holding each other tightly. She can be¬†dressed or nude, she can keep me there for a few minutes or an hour, she can play with my cage and tease me or act like I have no cock at all.

The whole while, it never turns into foreplay unless she decides it does. I can’t get hard, and can’t have an orgasm, so it’s completely out of the question. ¬†Cuddling is only about our love for each other, and being close to one another.

If she wants an orgasm, she’ll have one. I have no need to even mention it. If she wants to play with herself, she will. If she wants to use one of her vibrators or a dildo, she will. If she wants me to hold her, she’ll tell me. If she wants me to stand and watch her (a recent favorite of hers), she’ll point. If she wants to send me to the kitchen to go make coffee, or run up the street to the coffee shop, she’ll tell me.

If she wants me to go down on her, she’ll motion me to. I know to keep going when she cums, gently kissing her before checking with my tongue to see if she wants another. I simply stop when she pulls my hair. If she wants to sit on my face, she’ll climb on top of me, and will climb off when she’s done.

All the time, chastity has freed me. Men refer to it as a ‘cage’ or a ‘prison,’ but it’s really the opposite. It has freed me to focus entirely on my wife, and on giving her as much pleasure as possible. Giving my wife pleasure is, as a submissive, far more fulfilling than receiving pleasure. Loving my wife more deeply is much more fun than having her swallow my cum.

As a submissive, I’m at my best when I’m giving to others. By best I mean I’m happiest and most fulfilled. If you ask me what my favorite things were about all the jobs I’ve had, it’s the times I’ve been able to do the most for my clients and coworkers. If you ask me what my most fulfilling activities are, I’d say things like helping others work through¬†tough problems, or learn new things. This extends into my marriage, where my first priority is my wife’s happiness and satisfaction. Her satisfaction leads to my satisfaction. Chastity has helped me focus on this by overcoming the obstacle that was in the way.


This ‘coming’ year, I don’t think I’m going to have many orgasms. Instead, I’m going to build a deeper connection with my wife, and learn even more from her.

Just Knowing You’re Submissive is Really Important!

I’ve been thinking about why it’s worth it to identify as a submissive, and indeed why it’s worth it to keep writing this blog. But now I’m thinking we as a society have¬†only started to scratch the surface of what dominance and submission really is, and how it can benefit us to know and acknowledge which, if any, we are.

I’ve been reading about non-D/s related things recently, especially in psychology and sociology, and I’ve been struck by how clearly they explain things, so a large part of this is a desire to make D/s concepts more understandable.

It took me a long time to figure out that “submissive” was the term to describe how I feel in relationships. Awareness of “dominant” and “submissive” types has grown in western culture over the past 10 years or so, but only in the most simplistic way. It’s still a punchline to a joke for many people.

Knowing that I am submissive was a huge help–even a relief–because it gives me a way to understand the many ways that I don’t fit society’s expectations.

Knowing you’re submissive means you can find like-minded people to relate to and learn from. It means you have a clearer picture of what a fulfilling relationship looks like and what your ideal romantic partner is like. It has helped me outside of romantic and sexual situations by helping me see that I prefer to see everyone happy, I like fostering agreement and mutual respect, I like supporting¬†other people through challenges and helping people achieve great things. I get far more fulfillment from supporting someone in achieving something great than I do in achieving the thing itself–the few times I’ve been in the spotlight like that have made me feel very uncomfortable. My biggest and proudest¬†achievements have been achieved alongside others. I’m sure this could be a whole other post, but for now it’s enough to say that knowing I’m submissive has been a wonderful thing.¬†But this is because I happened to come across this world online.

I have a pretty strong feeling that there are a lot of dominant or submissive people out there who don’t know the first thing about D/s, and are missing out. They don’t see this way of looking at the world that would help them. This worries me, because I know how much identifying as a submissive has helped me understand my own personality and my relationships with other people so much better. And, as I already mentioned, I find it fulfilling to be helpful and supportive to people.

I get the sense from reading many blogs by other submissives, young and old, male and female, that knowing you’re submissive helps you reconcile all the things about the way this¬†world seems to work that seem bizarre.

Knowing you’re a submissive gives you a way of understanding yourself and the way you fit in the world. You can find other submissives online (and sometimes in real life) that you can connect with. You can recognize and more easily articulate your needs and wants. You also know better what strengths you bring, and where you’re at your best.

Most importantly, being a submissive means sometimes going against what society expects. It can, if you want it to, be a transgressive act to fully embrace your submissiveness and all that goes with it.

For all these reasons, I think it’s important to help people who may be submissive learn more about what submissiveness is, how to recognize it, and how to embrace it.

Separating a Submissive’s Fantasies and Reality

If you think of all the things that come with being in a D/s relationship, most of what you list will be sexual in nature. It’s primarily acted out in the bedroom, in the quest to fulfill sexual fantasies and desires.

This blog is an attempt to discuss the specific kink of submissive males in as vanilla-friendly a manner as possible, but I can do this because I assume that my readers will have a working knowledge of the extremely sexual side of the kink world. (If you aren’t, or would like to get more, please take advantage of this shameless plug for my own kinky femdom Tumblr and feminization Tumblr.)

This makes sense, since sex is such a clear and obvious way to make the power difference explicit. In the words of Oscar Wilde, “everything is about sex, except sex…which is about power.” Even in the most “vanilla” situations, the self-awareness I get when I’m submissive to my wife has a sexual element.

Just recently I was making an appointment to bring the family car in for service. The car is owned by my wife, and all records are in her name. I will bring the car in for service on Saturday morning while she’s at the gym working with her personal trainer. Just calling to schedule the service meant that I had to state to the service manager at the dealership that no, [wife’s name] is the owner, but that I [male name] would be bringing it in, but if they had any issues they should call [wife’s name] for direction. It’s a very mild thing, and it happens all the time since a) everything is in my wife’s name, and b) I handle all the service for such things, but it’s quite apparent that a lot of people at a lot of places aren’t set up for this, and it involves me giving explanations that state certain aspects of our marriage rather explicitly.

These things are important parts of our D/s relationship, but they’re not sexual. We put the car in my wife’s name because she’s the primary decision maker, and that’s hwo we’eve managed similar decisions in the past. When it comes time to trade in the car or buy a second one, it will be her decision. Same thing with banking. It’s very boring, but we still both benefit from and want to continue her leadership and my deference to her.

In the past few days I’ve been trying to find a subtle line through my life: what separates the sexually-driven “kinky stuff” from my identity, and the things that make me who I really am?

As an example, much of my Tumblr is an outlet for my sexual fantasies. Any discussion of cuckolding or pegging is obviously a product of sexual fantasy. Same with feminization–my wife likes the cute undies and notices the positive change in my attitude when I have freshly shaved legs and painted toenails, but it’s sexual in nature.

The big difference, which most male readers will recognize, is in what changes right after orgasm. Orgasm results in a major mood change as submissive-friendly hormone balances are interrupted. I suspect that fantasy about going down on your wife to clean up after her lover is a lot more difficult without some significant time in a very secure chastity cage!

As much as I enjoy the feminization and D/s aspects of my sex life, it’s all a part of my sex life and it stays there.

Then there are other aspects that make me amenable to a D/s relationship that aren’t sexual. I’ve written about them before. I’m hugely fulfilled by making others happy and successful. I’m proud that I’ve built a career that’s all about helping others. I’m an optimist and an introvert. I like beautiful things, new experiences, quiet moments, and being alone with my thoughts. I’m not a naturally strong writer but I enjoy wrestling with my words and ideas to put together blog posts nad journal entries when I can. These are things that are essential to who I am, and that make my personality highly compatible with a submissive D/s identity.

So there are two categories of very sexual and not-very-sexual things on either side of an obvious line, but then there’s a lot in the gray area, and that’s interesting to me. There’s a strong erotic component to my desire to be further feminized by my wife, but I also have a dislike of my body hair that’s not really sexual. The desire to wear cute dresses and lingerie is erotic, but my dislike of boring, baggy, beige men’s clothes doesn’t feel like it comes from a sexual place.

As a kid, I hated playing sports and got out of having to do recess outside by being the only boy to join a dozen or so female junior librarians. In college I found I’m the most comfortable in predominantly female classes. None of that feels like it has an erotic component.

If you were to take away all the sexual components of BDSM, and erase my knowledge of everything in my two Tumblrs, I’d still be me. I’d still prefer a submissive role, and I’d still find greater personal satisfaction in supposedly feminine roles and environments.

I’ll be quick to state that I’m happy with both parts about me, the sexual and the non-sexual. One thing I’ve noticed is that the sexual side seems to ebb and flow, to shrink and grow in severity. At its most severe, I start to feel anxiety about the fact that I have male body hair and weigh probably 15-20 pounds more than I’d like to. From what I’ve seen and read online, this is mild compared to what a lot of people feel. When I feel this way, I find it helpful to separate out the erotic components from the non-erotic parts, and reflect on those parts of me that are permanent and unchanging.

I like the erotic stuff, as you can tell from my Tumblr, but it’s not really what makes me who I am. I don’t have any reason to be anxious if some of it doesn’t get fulfilled. The non-sexual parts, however, are essential parts of me that are reflected in lots of vanilla ways, and are profoundly influential. I try to nurture these parts with lots of cups of tea, trips to the coffee shop, free time to write in my journal, yoga, running, reading, and other things that fit my personality but not my gender.

I hope this makes some sense. I’m trying to increase the number of posts here by worrying less about the editing…this post is probably 200 words longer than it would normally be, but taking those extra words out and tightening everything up takes almost as long as writing the thing in the first place!