If you’ve been reading this blog, you know I haven’t been in chastity the ENTIRE year. Here’s an update: My wife’s interest in chastity comes and goes. She loves the effect it has had on my personality and our relationship, … Continue reading
Having spent much of the past year locked in chastity, I have undergone huge positive changes in my life. From reading and communicating with other locked and submissive males, I have come to believe that chastity makes nearly all men into better people. It’s much more than losing control over his genitals. It’s submission, a loss of control, and an acceptance that a lot of what society tells men is complete nonsense.
When men are chastised, they are more considerate, more obedient, more thoughtful, more helpful. Let’s face it–while quite a few men are honest about their submissiveness, there are many many more who would have better lives if they admitted their inferiority and sought out a dominant partner to whom they could pledge their loyalty and obedience.
There would be many benefits for the chastised male. They would (finally!) be able to see themselves as submissive and obedient, and could explore that in other ways in their lives. How have they been lying to themselves? Becoming chaste would give many men a much-needed wakeup call for other aspects of their lives.
Once in chastity, men become become calmer, friendlier, more patient, and more pleasant to be around. In return for all this, men only need to give up instant sexual gratification. Is the ability to play with yourself whenever you want really that important that men are willing to sacrifice a better personality?
Men would find that their relationships with their significant other, if they have one, would improve immediately as a result. Besides all the improvements in their comportment mentioned above, they would have given their dominant partner an expression of love and trust that is hard to top–the key to their sexual pleasure.
Once locked up, it’s natural to feel frustrated. This frustration is a good thing, because it teaches men subconsciously that there are some things they cannot have and cannot do. They must accept another person’s opinion, leadership, guidance, and commands. This frustration is healthy. It helps to break down the male ego and all the lies males are told in our society.
Once a chastised male can accept their frustration over their inability to control their penis, it will be easier to deal with frustration that might come from their dominant’s control over other parts of their lives. Giving up decision making to their dominant partner over other areas will cause both the dominant and submissive to feel calmer and more fulfilled. Taking orders is much easier when your dominant controls your next orgasm.
When a male cannot have an orgasm himself, he will quickly learn to find his partner’s orgasms fulfilling. If his dominant partner is a woman, he will quickly master the art of giving her pleasure, and find her orgasms bring him more joy and satisfaction than his own brief spurts. If his dominant partner is another man, he will find it rewarding to try to find out how much pleasure his dominant can possibly take.
If the dominant seeks to try new things in bed, he will of course agree to it. While he may desperately want to penetrate his lover, he cannot, because he is inferior and his lover does not wish him to experience that sensation. Perhaps the lover instead wishes to penetrate him? Once chastised, he will willingly agree to it. Once he does, the pleasure it gives will be more than enough to convince him to try it again and again. How long before he is conflicted over giving or receiving?
When a man cannot have an orgasm, he will also learn to find pleasure in other parts of his body. Simply being kissed all over will become extremely erotic. Touching and massage will provoke powerful responses. Teasing will be the best he can get, and he will willingly take it. Knowing that his partner has ordered his genitals to be small and soft, and then knowing that his partner is intentionally causing him to become aroused, will reinforce that his partner does not find his erection, or his penis at all for that matter, to be an important part of their relationship. The important thing is the man himself, and the obedience and service he provides.
When locked up, the way a man looks at other women (or men, if he’s gay) changes. He becomes tense around them, and they make him slightly nervous. This is as it should be. He will have a constant reminder that his sex is under someone else’s control.
I could go on, and I probably will in subsequent posts. But having been in chastity for a year (updates to come), I’ve found it an invaluable part of making me a better spouse, lover, and man.
I firmly believe more men should be in chastity. Masculinity in our culture is fundamentally broken, and the symbolic act of giving up control of our sex is a powerful statement that we want to be something better.
I’d love to hear from men and women, straight or LGBTQ, submissives and dominants alike, if you think of any more reasons why more men should be placed in chastity.
My wife is enjoying new ways of helping me express my feminine side. This is hardly the ‘forced feminization’ of internet fantasy–I’d like to be fully sissified, but my wife isn’t really into that, and it’s a fine line you have … Continue reading
This past year has been one of the best of my life, and one of the best years of marriage my wife and I have had since getting married six years ago. A lot of things have come together to make this great situation come together, but I’m confident in saying that being kept chaste and frequently locked up has has had the biggest role in my happiness this past year.
Before being locked in chastity earlier this year, my wife had enforced temporary chastity on an as-needed basis, but my expectation was always that my orgasm would come soon…my fulfillment would be achieved, my satisfaction would occur no matter what.
Knowing that I was merely delaying my happiness made the game interesting, but hardly fulfilling. With far longer periods of chastity coming this year, and the frequent presence of my chastity device, the focus has shifted. I believe the key to my happiness this past year has been due not to the denial of orgasm, but to the elimination of the expectation of orgasm.
As the year has progressed, intervals between orgasms have lengthened. I will have fewer orgasms this year than I did in some days as a teenager! I have been chaste for several weeks now, and I am told it will be at least until the new year before I orgasm again.
So my next orgasm is a very long way away. It’s so long, in fact, that it’s no longer useful for me to think about when I’m coming next. This past year, I’ve learned to give up that part of myself that receives lasting pleasure from orgasm. It’s fun, but it’s now an incidental part of sex. The last few times I’ve reached an orgasm, I’ve been ambivalent about it because it’s not what gives me the greatest pleasure anymore.
This picture came across my Tumblr recently, and I think it’s a great example (sorry, I can’t figure out a way to add the photo here without losing the link to Tumblr). When I’m chaste, cuddling with my wife is just that–cuddling, being close to one another, holding each other tightly. She can be dressed or nude, she can keep me there for a few minutes or an hour, she can play with my cage and tease me or act like I have no cock at all.
The whole while, it never turns into foreplay unless she decides it does. I can’t get hard, and can’t have an orgasm, so it’s completely out of the question. Cuddling is only about our love for each other, and being close to one another.
If she wants an orgasm, she’ll have one. I have no need to even mention it. If she wants to play with herself, she will. If she wants to use one of her vibrators or a dildo, she will. If she wants me to hold her, she’ll tell me. If she wants me to stand and watch her (a recent favorite of hers), she’ll point. If she wants to send me to the kitchen to go make coffee, or run up the street to the coffee shop, she’ll tell me.
If she wants me to go down on her, she’ll motion me to. I know to keep going when she cums, gently kissing her before checking with my tongue to see if she wants another. I simply stop when she pulls my hair. If she wants to sit on my face, she’ll climb on top of me, and will climb off when she’s done.
All the time, chastity has freed me. Men refer to it as a ‘cage’ or a ‘prison,’ but it’s really the opposite. It has freed me to focus entirely on my wife, and on giving her as much pleasure as possible. Giving my wife pleasure is, as a submissive, far more fulfilling than receiving pleasure. Loving my wife more deeply is much more fun than having her swallow my cum.
As a submissive, I’m at my best when I’m giving to others. By best I mean I’m happiest and most fulfilled. If you ask me what my favorite things were about all the jobs I’ve had, it’s the times I’ve been able to do the most for my clients and coworkers. If you ask me what my most fulfilling activities are, I’d say things like helping others work through tough problems, or learn new things. This extends into my marriage, where my first priority is my wife’s happiness and satisfaction. Her satisfaction leads to my satisfaction. Chastity has helped me focus on this by overcoming the obstacle that was in the way.
This ‘coming’ year, I don’t think I’m going to have many orgasms. Instead, I’m going to build a deeper connection with my wife, and learn even more from her.
I’ve been thinking about why it’s worth it to identify as a submissive, and indeed why it’s worth it to keep writing this blog. But now I’m thinking we as a society have only started to scratch the surface of what dominance and submission really is, and how it can benefit us to know and acknowledge which, if any, we are.
I’ve been reading about non-D/s related things recently, especially in psychology and sociology, and I’ve been struck by how clearly they explain things, so a large part of this is a desire to make D/s concepts more understandable.
It took me a long time to figure out that “submissive” was the term to describe how I feel in relationships. Awareness of “dominant” and “submissive” types has grown in western culture over the past 10 years or so, but only in the most simplistic way. It’s still a punchline to a joke for many people.
Knowing that I am submissive was a huge help–even a relief–because it gives me a way to understand the many ways that I don’t fit society’s expectations.
Knowing you’re submissive means you can find like-minded people to relate to and learn from. It means you have a clearer picture of what a fulfilling relationship looks like and what your ideal romantic partner is like. It has helped me outside of romantic and sexual situations by helping me see that I prefer to see everyone happy, I like fostering agreement and mutual respect, I like supporting other people through challenges and helping people achieve great things. I get far more fulfillment from supporting someone in achieving something great than I do in achieving the thing itself–the few times I’ve been in the spotlight like that have made me feel very uncomfortable. My biggest and proudest achievements have been achieved alongside others. I’m sure this could be a whole other post, but for now it’s enough to say that knowing I’m submissive has been a wonderful thing. But this is because I happened to come across this world online.
I have a pretty strong feeling that there are a lot of dominant or submissive people out there who don’t know the first thing about D/s, and are missing out. They don’t see this way of looking at the world that would help them. This worries me, because I know how much identifying as a submissive has helped me understand my own personality and my relationships with other people so much better. And, as I already mentioned, I find it fulfilling to be helpful and supportive to people.
I get the sense from reading many blogs by other submissives, young and old, male and female, that knowing you’re submissive helps you reconcile all the things about the way this world seems to work that seem bizarre.
Knowing you’re a submissive gives you a way of understanding yourself and the way you fit in the world. You can find other submissives online (and sometimes in real life) that you can connect with. You can recognize and more easily articulate your needs and wants. You also know better what strengths you bring, and where you’re at your best.
Most importantly, being a submissive means sometimes going against what society expects. It can, if you want it to, be a transgressive act to fully embrace your submissiveness and all that goes with it.
For all these reasons, I think it’s important to help people who may be submissive learn more about what submissiveness is, how to recognize it, and how to embrace it.
If you think of all the things that come with being in a D/s relationship, most of what you list will be sexual in nature. It’s primarily acted out in the bedroom, in the quest to fulfill sexual fantasies and desires.
This blog is an attempt to discuss the specific kink of submissive males in as vanilla-friendly a manner as possible, but I can do this because I assume that my readers will have a working knowledge of the extremely sexual side of the kink world. (If you aren’t, or would like to get more, please take advantage of this shameless plug for my own kinky femdom Tumblr and feminization Tumblr.)
This makes sense, since sex is such a clear and obvious way to make the power difference explicit. In the words of Oscar Wilde, “everything is about sex, except sex…which is about power.” Even in the most “vanilla” situations, the self-awareness I get when I’m submissive to my wife has a sexual element.
Just recently I was making an appointment to bring the family car in for service. The car is owned by my wife, and all records are in her name. I will bring the car in for service on Saturday morning while she’s at the gym working with her personal trainer. Just calling to schedule the service meant that I had to state to the service manager at the dealership that no, [wife’s name] is the owner, but that I [male name] would be bringing it in, but if they had any issues they should call [wife’s name] for direction. It’s a very mild thing, and it happens all the time since a) everything is in my wife’s name, and b) I handle all the service for such things, but it’s quite apparent that a lot of people at a lot of places aren’t set up for this, and it involves me giving explanations that state certain aspects of our marriage rather explicitly.
These things are important parts of our D/s relationship, but they’re not sexual. We put the car in my wife’s name because she’s the primary decision maker, and that’s hwo we’eve managed similar decisions in the past. When it comes time to trade in the car or buy a second one, it will be her decision. Same thing with banking. It’s very boring, but we still both benefit from and want to continue her leadership and my deference to her.
In the past few days I’ve been trying to find a subtle line through my life: what separates the sexually-driven “kinky stuff” from my identity, and the things that make me who I really am?
As an example, much of my Tumblr is an outlet for my sexual fantasies. Any discussion of cuckolding or pegging is obviously a product of sexual fantasy. Same with feminization–my wife likes the cute undies and notices the positive change in my attitude when I have freshly shaved legs and painted toenails, but it’s sexual in nature.
The big difference, which most male readers will recognize, is in what changes right after orgasm. Orgasm results in a major mood change as submissive-friendly hormone balances are interrupted. I suspect that fantasy about going down on your wife to clean up after her lover is a lot more difficult without some significant time in a very secure chastity cage!
As much as I enjoy the feminization and D/s aspects of my sex life, it’s all a part of my sex life and it stays there.
Then there are other aspects that make me amenable to a D/s relationship that aren’t sexual. I’ve written about them before. I’m hugely fulfilled by making others happy and successful. I’m proud that I’ve built a career that’s all about helping others. I’m an optimist and an introvert. I like beautiful things, new experiences, quiet moments, and being alone with my thoughts. I’m not a naturally strong writer but I enjoy wrestling with my words and ideas to put together blog posts nad journal entries when I can. These are things that are essential to who I am, and that make my personality highly compatible with a submissive D/s identity.
So there are two categories of very sexual and not-very-sexual things on either side of an obvious line, but then there’s a lot in the gray area, and that’s interesting to me. There’s a strong erotic component to my desire to be further feminized by my wife, but I also have a dislike of my body hair that’s not really sexual. The desire to wear cute dresses and lingerie is erotic, but my dislike of boring, baggy, beige men’s clothes doesn’t feel like it comes from a sexual place.
As a kid, I hated playing sports and got out of having to do recess outside by being the only boy to join a dozen or so female junior librarians. In college I found I’m the most comfortable in predominantly female classes. None of that feels like it has an erotic component.
If you were to take away all the sexual components of BDSM, and erase my knowledge of everything in my two Tumblrs, I’d still be me. I’d still prefer a submissive role, and I’d still find greater personal satisfaction in supposedly feminine roles and environments.
I’ll be quick to state that I’m happy with both parts about me, the sexual and the non-sexual. One thing I’ve noticed is that the sexual side seems to ebb and flow, to shrink and grow in severity. At its most severe, I start to feel anxiety about the fact that I have male body hair and weigh probably 15-20 pounds more than I’d like to. From what I’ve seen and read online, this is mild compared to what a lot of people feel. When I feel this way, I find it helpful to separate out the erotic components from the non-erotic parts, and reflect on those parts of me that are permanent and unchanging.
I like the erotic stuff, as you can tell from my Tumblr, but it’s not really what makes me who I am. I don’t have any reason to be anxious if some of it doesn’t get fulfilled. The non-sexual parts, however, are essential parts of me that are reflected in lots of vanilla ways, and are profoundly influential. I try to nurture these parts with lots of cups of tea, trips to the coffee shop, free time to write in my journal, yoga, running, reading, and other things that fit my personality but not my gender.
I hope this makes some sense. I’m trying to increase the number of posts here by worrying less about the editing…this post is probably 200 words longer than it would normally be, but taking those extra words out and tightening everything up takes almost as long as writing the thing in the first place!
As a submissive, being cuckolded is the purest form of our kink. It’s the complete package of surrender and humiliation. Pegging is a close second. These are universal themes for submissive men, but they’re hardly the only way in which a submissive male can surrender himself sexually to his mistress. In fact, the way these two acts are portrayed make them seem mostly about gratifying the (supposedly submissive) male’s desires.
When you surrender yourself sexually to a dominant person, that means that your sex life happens on their terms. It’s not as exciting as cuckolding, but it’s just as powerful and fulfilling to the submissive. Much more importantly, it’s what the dominant wants, which should be the submissive’s only consideration.
When my wife and I decided that she should assume a dominant role and I ought to assume as subservient role in our marriage, that included sex. She didn’t go out and start sleeping with other men, which she believes is too risky and more trouble than it’s worth. She did, however, find other ways to take on a level of sexual freedom that most vanilla couples would find very problematic.
My wife no longer leaves any doubt as to what she finds attractive in men, and never hesitates to point it out to me. Sometimes it’s done to motivate me to go to the gym, to eat better, to run for longer, or to dress better. Sometimes it’s to humiliate me, and point out how lucky I am to be married to her when she could replace me with a man with much more sexual capital than me. Sometimes it’s just because she sees someone that gets her going.
I like it when she points this out, because it fits my little kink quite nicely. I’m safely locked away in my little pink tube, so we both know where she stands in relation to me. I know this is what she likes, so she does it.
As time has gone on, she has become more open about using her privileges. In the mornings, she will often have me hold her while she uses one of the vibrators I’ve bought for her. She enjoys being held and not having to think about my pleasure at all. She enjoys pointing out men she likes without having to worry at all about me getting jealous. She enjoys teasing me about cute girls, knowing that she could sleep with the attractive men she sees, but I have no chance of being acknowledged by any of the attractive women she points out.
It’s even better than cuckolding–it’s what she wants, and only what she wants. It’s frustrating and humiliating, and I’m thankful for it.
Apologies for being away for a few months. I finalized my new job, went on a vacation, and then started at the new office, all of which made it hard to have blog-worthy things to say. Keeping this blog has taught me real awe of people who can find interesting things to write about (and can write their ideas perfectly the first time).
I have a fairly clear idea of the kind of person I’d like to be. I know from experience that I’m at my happiest when I’m making others happy, building things that I can see others benefit from, and helping others by putting advantages that I have to work for those who don’t. I also know from experience that embracing my feminine identity, and being submissive to others (particularly my wife) brings me peace and fulfillment. I’ve spent a lot of time and tears coming to understand the way I operate.
I don’t always do these things, though. It’s easy to let negative thinking take over, to feel a gray sense of “blah” over everything (particularly when I have to go out somewhere and be super masculine), and to generally be a spectator of life rather than an active participant.
I’ve been trying to be more aware of how I feel, and to build reflexes that bring me closer to who I want to be as a person. I don’t present this list as authoritative, just some things I’m working on to be a better person.
Have a positive attitude toward life, so you can support others:
- Make thankfulness a habit.
- Express gratitude to others whenever you possibly can.
- Be present in the moment.
- Eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep.
Express your passive and submissive identity more freely:
- Move slowly but steadily through your tasks.
- Stay calm and peaceful no matter what. Don’t overreact to things.
- Be accepting and resigned to things that displease you. Flight, not fight.
- Smile! No matter what.
Express your feminine identity more freely:
- Connect with your body by learning to dance or practicing yoga. Learn how you move, and be aware of your position.
- For some reason males are taught that poor posture is a sign of strength. Ignore these lessons, and seek to perfect your posture.
- Surround yourself (and dress yourself!) with color.
- When you feel a strong emotion, don’t fight it. Take a moment to stop and really feel that emotion.
- Talk through how you feel with others. Don’t keep things bottled up inside.
- Write about what you think, and then connect that to how you feel. Learn to identify your emotions, and redirect them from bad emotions to good emotions.
- Recognize that your femininity and submissiveness are related but independent of one another. Being feminine doesn’t make you submissive, and being submissive doesn’t make you more feminine. They often (but not always!) go together in men because we’re struggling against the narrow definitions masculinity has placed on us, but one doesn’t give us the other. In fact, take some time in your journal to consider how embracing femininity can make you stronger, and what you can learn from successful and powerful women.
Make pleasing others the thing that pleases you the most:
- Work with your Mistress to set your priorities, and know them! Accept the woman in your life.
- Listen to your Mistress! I keep notes in my phone whenever she expresses a preference for something, so I can remember.
- Plan ahead so you get more things done.
- Be organized so you get more things done.
- Make a list of things you enjoy that you’re going to have to give up. Discuss these with your Mistress, to get her input, then agree that you’re going to give those things up. If you can, physically get rid of things that will tempt you. For example, your video game system or motorcycle. If it means not doing an activity, cancel subscriptions and memberships related to that activity. Take tangible steps toward giving up things that take you away from Her.
The need for equal rights, pay, justice, respect, and safety for women has received more attention in the past year than it has in any other of my lifetime. I have been glad to see it, but I haven’t actually done very much to help promote it. It’s hard to know the right way to do such a thing without overstepping my bounds. So I decided to write a blog post about it.
I’ve worked on a post on this subject for months, but it never came out right, so I’m just going to write about this subject a little at a time. I’m a passable writer at my very best, and it’s hard to write my very best about such an important but complex topic.
The thing is that it’s not just a women’s issue. Everyone’s hurt by sexism, bigotry, and injustice.
I know this because I break a lot of the rules of “masculinity.” I don’t express myself as a female in public, but I don’t make any effort to fit male stereotypes either. I’m perfectly happy with the fact that I’m genderfluid, because it feels like the best of both worlds. I’m submissive and subservient to my wife, who agrees that I am the best of both. With a recent change in jobs, my wife is again the primary breadwinner of the family, and making her happy is what makes me the most happy.
I’m writing this having finished my work for the day, cleaned the kitchen and neatened the living room, and just before I run off for a little yoga. I’m wearing black yoga pants over a fuschia sweater dress, drinking a cup of tea. I’m locked away in my chastity cage since my last orgasm, which means I haven’t grown more than 2.5 inches long in over a month. It will probably be at least another two weeks before it does grow long. I will likely have a half-dozen orgasms this year, maybe eight or even ten if I’m lucky.
My legs are shaved, my nails are done, and my lips are glossy. In public, my hair looks professional. At home I only need to add a different product in a different direction and I get a cute pixie cut.
It’s rare for another male to be a part of my group of friends when we go out. I have some male coworkers and family members on my Facebook, but it’s about 75% female. I’m proud and extremely fortunate to have been able to make a life where I can dress, socialize, exercise, work, play, and live in a way that fits me.
But then when it suits me I can ditch the dress and tights, put on one of my tailored suits and Brooks Brothers ties, and go command a room simply because of my race, gender, height, vocabulary, accent, and speech volume. Society has decided that, because of the way I look and speak, I get to be in charge. It makes no sense, and that’s how I live my gender in this society.
I’m enraged by the fact that we use gender as an indicator when seeking to measure someone’s ability or potential. I just don’t know what to say or do in my role as a submissive male that can make it better. Maybe that’s why this topic is so hard to write about: I don’t know where to start.
The system benefits me to a large degree, but as soon as I make my feminine side or my submissiveness part of the conversation, it starts to turn against me. I know there must be many males like me who don’t have the same ability that I do to express their feminine side or their submissive side because they are more exposed to our society’s backward and toxic male dominance.
I’m going to publish this, since writing draft after draft isn’t getting me anywhere. Hopefully better thinkers and writers than I can make the need for gender equality and the banishment of gender roles a reality.
I’ve started looking for a new job recently. I’m qualified to do a few things, but there’s really only one I want.
I want to stay at home to take care of my wife’s babies, clean her house, and cook her dinner.
I want this because making other people happy is the most fulfilling and rewarding thing in my life. I love it. So I want to do it for my family.
I realize this is unrealistic given the fact more money would also improve my wife and children’s lives, so what I really want is a job I can do on the side that would let me stay at home and take care of things.
We’re going to start a family in the next few years, and my wife’s career path is punishing to mothers who take significant time off. It would be ideal if I could bring in approximately $4,000 a month on the side while making my family the main focus.
For all the sexualization of submission and domination–which my wife and I find hugely fulfilling–there’s a non-sexual component that makes me feel the most satisfied when I’m helping and supporting others. I’d love to find a way to have the best of both worlds, a job that lets me help others professionally while giving me the freedom to nurture my family.
The trouble is I have no idea what this job might be. I’m at least confident enough to say that this is what I’d like to do. My wife’s career carries tremendous potential. A sacrifice on my part would be small compared to the reward my wife’s would receive.