A Benevolent Dictatorship

Apart from not updating this blog as I should have done, yesterday was a fairly productive day. My wife stayed home to finish a proposal she is working on, and I did some work related to my graduate program. I spent significant time helping my wife to edit and perfect her proposal.

I had hoped my wife would give me permission to go grocery shopping in the morning, when the store is less crowded, but she did not do so until late in the afternoon. She considered coming along for fun, but decided to send me by myself while she relaxed at home. I have always liked grocery shopping for some reason. It gives me a chance to be analytical and acquisitive, which are two things I can’t help but indulge in. I returned home, brought the groceries inside, unpacked, and began preparing dinner.

I put dinner in the oven and sat on the sofa for a short break, where my wife was lounging with the iPad that Santa brought her this year. She saw me put my head back, got up, and straddled me.

Gripping my head gently but firmly, she looked me in the eye and asked me if she had given me permission to take a break. I had no choice but to reply that she had not, and stopped myself before I started spewing excuses about dinner being in the oven. I simply apologized and said I would get up and begin cleaning up immediately. I said I would not take breaks from cleaning or cooking without permission again.

Then, my wife said something extremely insightful.

She said, “Good. You need to understand that this is a benevolent dictatorship. What you want doesn’t matter right now.”

As I hurried back to the kitchen to begin cleaning (“cleaning while you cook” is an important principle in our house), I reflected on her words.

My wife really is a benevolent dictator. She’s certainly a dictator now, but it’s the “benevolent” part that makes female-led relationships (or any full-time power exchange) work. If I spent an evening doing whatever I felt like, I would end the evening feeling bored and empty. I would have watched a lot of TV, surfed a lot of the internet, have had a boring dinner, a dirty kitchen, a messy house, and an unappreciated wife.

Instead, I spend the evening doing whatever she tells me. As a result we have a delicious dinner every night, the house is always clean, the kitchen almost always sparkles, and my wife feels loved. I don’t have the freedom to do what I want, but I’m happier overall as a result.

When my wife commands and I obey, we both end up happier in the long term. I might prefer watching TV to helping my wife edit her writing or cooking dinner for her, but the satisfaction of having treated my wife well and making her happy lasts long after the TV show ends.

I understand that many people wouldn’t feel the same way. I think the fact that my wife and I are happier when she commands and I obey means that we have found the right dynamic for us.


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