Femininity, Humiliation, and Male Submissiveness

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A lot of the D/s, Femdom, sissy, cuckold, chastity, and related kink subcultures out there seem to reflect a strong connection between male submissiveness and femininity. On an intellectual level, this bothers me. I believe that womanhood and femininity should be totally compatible with strength, power, and will. Women shouldn’t have to adopt masculinity just to get those things. Women should get them and then get to choose where on our artificial “masculine-feminine” spectrum they sit. Same for men.

On principle, I believe very strongly that there should be no connection between male submissiveness and femininity.

But.

The reality is that I don’t identify as a typical, masculine male. I’m submissive, but I’m also a feminine male.

Putting a number on it is oversimplifying, but if I had to, I would say I’m 50% male and 50% female. And I know that there is a strong connection between my submissive nature and the fact that I find great peace, purpose, and self-esteem by connecting with the feminine aspects of my personality. My high-minded ideals about gender and submissiveness are completely subverted by the  fact that I, and many many others, feel a strong connection between femininity and submissiveness in our own personalities.

Without giving you my life’s story, here are some examples:

  • I have always had more female friends than male friends, by far, at every stage of my life. I have followed the example of amazing women in my life far more than men.
  • I cross dressed frequently in middle school, high school, and college. I frequently wore girls’ underwear in high school and college.
  • I ran track and cross country because it was the only sport I could do that girls did too. When a boy at my school joined the girl’s tennis team, I was so jealous.
  • I hated the way I dressed until I started taking cues from how my female friends dressed.
  • If you removed my name from the top, I’m confident that 99% of people would say my resume was that of a female. My college and graduate program are overwhelmingly female, and my professional experience is likewise.

I don’t know why this connection is so strong. I don’t think it’s as simple as saying I like being submissive because I feel feminine. I think it has to do with some deep sense of shame, of knowing that I am subverting traditional male gender roles and that I am less of a male (and therefore a person) because of it.

With this theory, when submissive men find joy in being cuckolded, it’s a way of reinforcing and affirming the fact that they are less masculine than other men. Perhaps they seek a dominant male to please their dominant female partner in part because it pleases their partner, but in part because it fits with how things should be.

When I’m being feminine, there’s a tiny part of me deep down that hopes I get found out. I’m an obedient sissy boy–there’s no changing that. When I’m humiliated by my wife, either in private or in public (which she rarely does), there’s a sense of satisfaction in the shame that I feel because I feel like that’s the way things are supposed to be.

I feel like people shouldn’t listen to me. I have a fancy graduate degree, and when people at work refer to it and ask me because they think I’m some kind of “expert” I just laugh inside because the idea that I have anything of value to add is laughable. If the world were fair, my wife would fuck other men because they’re stronger, hotter, and just more powerful than me. Being ordered to remain chaste and refrain from playing with myself fits my worldview on some level–other men are strong and powerful and should be able to receive sexual pleasure whenever they want, but I’m not strong and powerful, and one way to reflect that in a meaningful way in my life is to render me chaste. The frustration of a ruined orgasm feels a lot like the frustration of knowing that I am inadequate.

This was a hard post to write–it took three drafts, two hours, and half a bottle of wine. I’m still not sure I have explained myself very well. All I know is that my femininity is tied up with my submissiveness, but in a very complex way that goes beyond just wanting to emulate a submissive girl. My desire for humiliation and submissiveness is a response to feeling *something* about my feminine personality.

My loving, amazing, powerful, successful wife has been a huge part in helping me become the person I am today. I’ll write about that next.

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6 thoughts on “Femininity, Humiliation, and Male Submissiveness

  1. A subject I think about a lot as well. Though the one thing that offended me as a woman was the reference to your resume. I don’t see how a certain college, program, or previous jobs could come off as that feminine? Unless it was maybe an all girls college. It seems to say that there are certain schools or professions that are only for females. Even nannying has become big among men these days. Without knowing the specifics it’s hard, but the idea that an entire normal college could be associated as a “girls” type school seems to make the school or job school seem like it has a negative connotation to it. Great article though.

    1. Thank you for yet another excellent comment, M. I chose to mention my resume as a rhetorical tool in the hope of avoiding the kind of implication you have identified–I should have done a better job, and you’re absolutely right. I was trying to explain that most of my classmates and coworkers have been women, and I think an average person would assume someone with my background was female. I was one of 5 men in a cohort of 36 in graduate school, and that ratio is pretty consistent across other schools that offer my program. In no way am I implying that a given educational background or profession has inherently masculine or feminine qualities–in fact, one of the things I like about working in my field is that quite often I get to subvert assumptions like these.

  2. A thought provoking post…It makes me reflect on my own life, because I too, follow my wife’s lead in a matriarchal marriage and have a strong feminine side.

  3. i really appreciate your post here (from a year and a half ago!). I so agree with you and struggle with the conflation submissiveness and femininity. As a crossdressing submissive, i see my dressing as an emasculation. Shame is key to this, you are right. I feel both at home as my true self when dressed, but also very ashamed. I feel a strong sense of vulnerability, too. I am a firm believer in feminism as a way to grow beyond the patriarchy, and i see my dressing as embracing that change. As an emasculated submissive, i see myself as affirming women’s leadership and power over me (and as one man, men). Even buying clothes and having the women in shops know i am emasculating myself gives them power over me (i NEVER intrude or sexualize shopping; i am always very grateful and thank them many many times).

    Regarding women and friends and such, i too am quite femme and effeminate. I so want to be “one of the girls” but know i will always be at most a gurl, a wanna-a-be. This is okay. I am probably more 60% or more feminine. Whenever i take one of those silly facebook quizzes, i get a much higher percent female than male, which amuses my wife no end. And just that is affirming for me, embarrassing, emasculating. Shame is key. Shame. Why are we so attracted to shame? I am a grown man sitting at my computer wearing ruffle socks, pink heels, yellow and white flower flare dress, yellow panties, pearls, painted pink nails (fingers and toes). This is shameful to any masculinity i might have left. It is embarrassing (and like you, i kind of now of wish i would get caught dressed like this by some woman). But, here i sit and i did this to myself. There is no way i could be anything but beta; i am submissive and extremely vulnerable in our society so dressed. And, i do all the housework which is neither women’s nor men’s work, just traditionally women’s work; so i feel i should be the one to do it to help destroy the patriarchy. Somehow i feel it is our job — as sissy submissive gurls (at that’s what i am) — to make a difference and undercut masculinity. It is NOT that femininity and submissiveness go together for women; it is that emasculation and submissiveness go together for us (or at least me).

    i am grateful to you for your blog and for your writings. thank you thank you thank you. May i serve women always, be ever more submissive and demure and vulnerable to their right to be in charge and do with me as i deserve to undercut centuries of patriarchy…i ought to get back to my household duties…thank you

    1. Thanks for such a great comment, George…your comments about shame have really made me think. I feel like I’m a little bit closer to my best self when I’m thinking with a more feminine “mindset” (a term I’m using for convenience with full understanding that it’s much more complicated than this). It does feel shameful, and the shame does feel good. Being shamed makes me feel like I’m restoring balance to the way the world sees me. It takes me down a few notches. How funny that, when we chip away (just the smallest amount) at the facade of masculinity, it feels like a fantasy, but it really brining us closer to the way we see ourselves!

      That said, wearing adorable outfits, cute undies, elegant jewelry and–of course–amazing shoes is also a way of making your life as a whole just a little more adorable, cute, elegant, and amazing. I would only offer advice to fellow submissive males, and even then it’s not worth much, but I would hope you feel adorable and fun as well as shameful and transgressive!

      Your comment about never sexualizing shopping is wonderful. I totally agree that we need to mark clear boundaries around anything that’s unconventional and not find gratification in exposing anyone to our kinks who isn’t interested in being a part of it. Plus, like you said, you don’t need to advertise that you’re shopping for your adorable feminine self–they’ll figure it out all on their own. Those who like the idea will think it’s fun and you’ll hopefully brighten their day a little. Those who do not will realize you’re not the respectable conservative male they took you for, which is what all beta males need and deserve.

      I wish I could undercut the patriarchy even more. Deserving males (alpha, beta, and everything in between) will still be successful and accomplished when it’s gone. Their accomplishments will be even more valid because they will have done what they did on a level playing field. The only ones who should be afraid are the ones who need help in being excellent people!

      I need to get back to chores too–but thanks again for such a great comment!

  4. Very interesting post. I can believe that it was difficult to share this. Not trying to tell you what to think or feel about yourself. But you should know that you have the same dignity and value as any other man or woman.

    The fact that you have chosen to submit to and serve your wife is how you express your unique personality just as your wife (I presume) accepts her role as your leader, mentor and grateful recipient of your service.

    I too am a submissive man and share many of the same sentiments as you regarding the role I play in my marriage. Just know that you can be who you are without feeling that you are less of a person for doing so. Just be confident and take pride in knowing that you are making your wife happy when you serve her.

    A closing thought: My wife first used a strapon on me about four years ago. I was very reluctant to try this but consented. Initially, I found the experience to be humiliating as well as somewhat painful. But, in time I grew to enjoy the experience. My point is that I too had to go through a time that I felt shame for consenting to this role. But, my wife has been there for me and helped me accept my submission as a generous and unselfish gift to her. I love my wife and love serving her in all ways practical and sexual. And life is has been better for both of us since we have both accepted who we are and how beautifully we compliment each other. Hope you can find the same happiness in your relationship.

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