A lot of the D/s, Femdom, sissy, cuckold, chastity, and related kink subcultures out there seem to reflect a strong connection between male submissiveness and femininity. On an intellectual level, this bothers me. I believe that womanhood and femininity should be totally compatible with strength, power, and will. Women shouldn’t have to adopt masculinity just to get those things. Women should get them and then get to choose where on our artificial “masculine-feminine” spectrum they sit. Same for men.
On principle, I believe very strongly that there should be no connection between male submissiveness and femininity.
The reality is that I don’t identify as a typical, masculine male. I’m submissive, but I’m also a feminine male.
Putting a number on it is oversimplifying, but if I had to, I would say I’m 50% male and 50% female. And I know that there is a strong connection between my submissive nature and the fact that I find great peace, purpose, and self-esteem by connecting with the feminine aspects of my personality. My high-minded ideals about gender and submissiveness are completely subverted by the fact that I, and many many others, feel a strong connection between femininity and submissiveness in our own personalities.
Without giving you my life’s story, here are some examples:
- I have always had more female friends than male friends, by far, at every stage of my life. I have followed the example of amazing women in my life far more than men.
- I cross dressed frequently in middle school, high school, and college. I frequently wore girls’ underwear in high school and college.
- I ran track and cross country because it was the only sport I could do that girls did too. When a boy at my school joined the girl’s tennis team, I was so jealous.
- I hated the way I dressed until I started taking cues from how my female friends dressed.
- If you removed my name from the top, I’m confident that 99% of people would say my resume was that of a female. My college and graduate program are overwhelmingly female, and my professional experience is likewise.
I don’t know why this connection is so strong. I don’t think it’s as simple as saying I like being submissive because I feel feminine. I think it has to do with some deep sense of shame, of knowing that I am subverting traditional male gender roles and that I am less of a male (and therefore a person) because of it.
With this theory, when submissive men find joy in being cuckolded, it’s a way of reinforcing and affirming the fact that they are less masculine than other men. Perhaps they seek a dominant male to please their dominant female partner in part because it pleases their partner, but in part because it fits with how things should be.
When I’m being feminine, there’s a tiny part of me deep down that hopes I get found out. I’m an obedient sissy boy–there’s no changing that. When I’m humiliated by my wife, either in private or in public (which she rarely does), there’s a sense of satisfaction in the shame that I feel because I feel like that’s the way things are supposed to be.
I feel like people shouldn’t listen to me. I have a fancy graduate degree, and when people at work refer to it and ask me because they think I’m some kind of “expert” I just laugh inside because the idea that I have anything of value to add is laughable. If the world were fair, my wife would fuck other men because they’re stronger, hotter, and just more powerful than me. Being ordered to remain chaste and refrain from playing with myself fits my worldview on some level–other men are strong and powerful and should be able to receive sexual pleasure whenever they want, but I’m not strong and powerful, and one way to reflect that in a meaningful way in my life is to render me chaste. The frustration of a ruined orgasm feels a lot like the frustration of knowing that I am inadequate.
This was a hard post to write–it took three drafts, two hours, and half a bottle of wine. I’m still not sure I have explained myself very well. All I know is that my femininity is tied up with my submissiveness, but in a very complex way that goes beyond just wanting to emulate a submissive girl. My desire for humiliation and submissiveness is a response to feeling *something* about my feminine personality.
My loving, amazing, powerful, successful wife has been a huge part in helping me become the person I am today. I’ll write about that next.