Submissive Versus Passive

My wife has made some changes to the way I perform my duties around the house, and in the way I serve her in general, that have gotten me thinking. As a submissive husband, I find it very fulfilling to follow my wife’s leadership and accept her guidance in my life. She never steers me wrong. But it’s easy for my submissiveness to turn to passiveness, and passiveness should be an absolute no-no for any male who wishes to be useful to his wife.

Submission to your wife means making her priorities your priorities, and setting aside your wants and desires so she can achieve hers. When your wife’s wants and desires are superior to your own, your sacrifice makes everyone’s lives better. But submissive husbands shouldn’t use this as an excuse to drift into “whatever.” Being submissive still involves a lot of taking charge.

I’ve been guilty of this more often than I care to admit, so to keep up appearances I’ll use our careers as a rare positive example.

My wife likely has a much higher career ceiling than I do, and has been earning a wage for longer than I have and as a result earns more than I do, it makes sense that my wife’s career priorities trump my own. Over the course of our relationship, I have shaped my career to be flexible and versatile. I may not make a lot of money, and I may not have an impressive job title, but I can be hired in a variety of organizations doing work that fits my personal desire to make a difference through education. When we have needed to move for her work, we have moved, and I have found a job when I arrived. 

Being submissive means accepting that my wife’s career is more important to me than my own career, and making my support of her career my #1 priority. Being passive would have meant just going out and getting any old job using my degree, sitting at a desk and collecting a paycheck with the idea that I was inferior to my wife and should work accordingly. Or it could have meant asking my wife what she wanted me to do for a job. This isn’t the best way to serve your wife. Instead, I thought hard about what I wanted in a career, and what I needed from a career in order to support my wife. I thought about what I’m good at, and what I find meaningful and fulfilling. I added some credentials beyond my bachelor’s degree affordably and relatively quickly, and have molded my career into something that’s rewarding both financially and personally, as well as flexible enough to allow me to be there for my wife.

Beyond this positive example there are many negative ones. I find that too often I wait for my wife to tell me what to do, and I sense this frustration on the part of other bloggers I read. Turning control over to your wife can mean taking on more control than before.

As a second example I’ll use a metaphor. A butler or housemaid, by definition, does not have much control over their time because they are at their employers’ service, as a good submissive spouse should be to their dominant spouse. But behind the scenes, a good servant takes control of all sorts of situations so that their employer never has to deal with them. On the one hand, the servant is the definition of submissive and obedient. In other important ways, they are as assertive and proactive as a dominant–it’s just that those other ways are things that the dominant partner doesn’t have to cope with.

This is easier said than done. I’ve known for most of my life that I’m submissive, and I truly enjoy following instructions. It makes me happy when there are clear rules to follow. I know that’s not how most people are, especially men in our culture, but I know I am. I like being told what to do, and it’s comforting to know I’ll be rewarded for doing it and punished for not doing it. But this has occasionally led me to avoid taking responsibility for my happiness and success. I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on any of this.

In order to be a better submissive, I’m going over the next few weeks and months to actively work on taking action, being proactive, and seizing control of situations where it’s called for. I certainly won’t attempt to overrule my wife, and will seek her guidance on all things, but there are some things which I should be taking responsibility for which I’m not currently doing.

Like I said, I know this will be easier said than done for me. I’m far from an type-a high-alpha go-getter. I’ll let you how things go.


One thought on “Submissive Versus Passive

  1. I’ve been maintained a submissive relationship with my wife for several years now, indeed since before we married, and some things I’ve lacked are role models, and others sharing a similar lifestyle or point of view. I’m very excited to read and follow your blog here and feel more like part of a community, rather than a man with a secret. Thank you muchly for sharing your views and experiences. If Ma’am approves, I’ll be an avid follower!


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