I’ve recently noticed something interesting about becoming subservient to my spouse. As I become more and more subservient, I’m get the blame for many more things than I used to.
In most marriages, if the kitchen is dirty or the laundry is undone, it’s hard to know where to direct the frustration. Whose job is it? Whose fault is it? In my marriage, it’s my fault. It’s my fault because it’s my wife has given me responsibility for making sure the kitchen is always clean, the shopping is always done, the laundry is always done, and the rest of the house is tidy.
Being subservient means accepting that if it’s not done, it’s your fault and yours alone. Even if it seems unfair. If my wife wants me to sit and watch an hour of TV with her in the evening, and then goes to bed, I need to stay up and finish my responsibilities. I might need to finish cleaning the kitchen or folding the laundry.
Sometimes this frustrates me. But I have no right to be frustrated. I can only apologize to my wife for not having done everything sooner. It’s much better to be positive, docile, and agreeable. Think of how nice it will be when the kitchen is cleaned. It’s good that my wife has gone to bed, she has had a long day at a job much more challenging than mine.
A wonderful non-kinky side effect of accepting my wife’s leadership is that our roles are clearly defined. If something is unclear, I just need to figure out if it’s my job or hers. And it’s easy to figure out whose job is whose–just ask my wife.
This means giving up things I’d like to do for fun. I don’t have enough time to do everything my wife wants me to do. I was annoyed about this last night, and admitted as much to my wife. Her response showed a complete lack of sympathy with my situation. I’ve agreed to serve her, and things in my life that don’t involve my job or my wife need to be a secondary priority.
She’s becoming more comfortable pointing this out to me, because she realizes that this is a large part of the work she has to do in our marriage. Just as I have to do tasks I don’t want to do, she needs to lead and make decisions that she sometimes thinks are difficult. When she doesn’t make those decisions, she blames herself (technically I could blame her too, but this would likely lead to a punishment). She blames herself because she knows that being the leader of our marriage is her job.
The most important thing about this division of labor is how far removed it is from kinky sex. It’s a power exchange, and indeed it’s heavily reflected in our sex lives, but it goes far beyond this.
Part of feeling the blame, and being held accountable by my wife, is getting past the “point of no return,” the point where this stops being a game and starts being a fact of life that I can’t escape. I think it’s clear that we’re past that point, but it’s working so well for us I don’t see this becoming a problem.
The real question is what other parts of my life and our marriage will move past the point of no return. Household chores, finances, and sex are completely out of my control. My wife will be the one to decide what goes next, although I believe my workout regimen and certain hobbies are likely to be next. It will be up to her, and although I plan to write about it, I know that complaining about it will be useless.