Separating a Submissive’s Fantasies and Reality

If you think of all the things that come with being in a D/s relationship, most of what you list will be sexual in nature. It’s primarily acted out in the bedroom, in the quest to fulfill sexual fantasies and desires.

This blog is an attempt to discuss the specific kink of submissive males in as vanilla-friendly a manner as possible, but I can do this because I assume that my readers will have a working knowledge of the extremely sexual side of the kink world. (If you aren’t, or would like to get more, please take advantage of this shameless plug for my own kinky femdom Tumblr and feminization Tumblr.)

This makes sense, since sex is such a clear and obvious way to make the power difference explicit. In the words of Oscar Wilde, “everything is about sex, except sex…which is about power.” Even in the most “vanilla” situations, the self-awareness I get when I’m submissive to my wife has a sexual element.

Just recently I was making an appointment to bring the family car in for service. The car is owned by my wife, and all records are in her name. I will bring the car in for service on Saturday morning while she’s at the gym working with her personal trainer. Just calling to schedule the service meant that I had to state to the service manager at the dealership that no, [wife’s name] is the owner, but that I [male name] would be bringing it in, but if they had any issues they should call [wife’s name] for direction. It’s a very mild thing, and it happens all the time since a) everything is in my wife’s name, and b) I handle all the service for such things, but it’s quite apparent that a lot of people at a lot of places aren’t set up for this, and it involves me giving explanations that state certain aspects of our marriage rather explicitly.

These things are important parts of our D/s relationship, but they’re not sexual. We put the car in my wife’s name because she’s the primary decision maker, and that’s hwo we’eve managed similar decisions in the past. When it comes time to trade in the car or buy a second one, it will be her decision. Same thing with banking. It’s very boring, but we still both benefit from and want to continue her leadership and my deference to her.

In the past few days I’ve been trying to find a subtle line through my life: what separates the sexually-driven “kinky stuff” from my identity, and the things that make me who I really am?

As an example, much of my Tumblr is an outlet for my sexual fantasies. Any discussion of cuckolding or pegging is obviously a product of sexual fantasy. Same with feminization–my wife likes the cute undies and notices the positive change in my attitude when I have freshly shaved legs and painted toenails, but it’s sexual in nature.

The big difference, which most male readers will recognize, is in what changes right after orgasm. Orgasm results in a major mood change as submissive-friendly hormone balances are interrupted. I suspect that fantasy about going down on your wife to clean up after her lover is a lot more difficult without some significant time in a very secure chastity cage!

As much as I enjoy the feminization and D/s aspects of my sex life, it’s all a part of my sex life and it stays there.

Then there are other aspects that make me amenable to a D/s relationship that aren’t sexual. I’ve written about them before. I’m hugely fulfilled by making others happy and successful. I’m proud that I’ve built a career that’s all about helping others. I’m an optimist and an introvert. I like beautiful things, new experiences, quiet moments, and being alone with my thoughts. I’m not a naturally strong writer but I enjoy wrestling with my words and ideas to put together blog posts nad journal entries when I can. These are things that are essential to who I am, and that make my personality highly compatible with a submissive D/s identity.

So there are two categories of very sexual and not-very-sexual things on either side of an obvious line, but then there’s a lot in the gray area, and that’s interesting to me. There’s a strong erotic component to my desire to be further feminized by my wife, but I also have a dislike of my body hair that’s not really sexual. The desire to wear cute dresses and lingerie is erotic, but my dislike of boring, baggy, beige men’s clothes doesn’t feel like it comes from a sexual place.

As a kid, I hated playing sports and got out of having to do recess outside by being the only boy to join a dozen or so female junior librarians. In college I found I’m the most comfortable in predominantly female classes. None of that feels like it has an erotic component.

If you were to take away all the sexual components of BDSM, and erase my knowledge of everything in my two Tumblrs, I’d still be me. I’d still prefer a submissive role, and I’d still find greater personal satisfaction in supposedly feminine roles and environments.

I’ll be quick to state that I’m happy with both parts about me, the sexual and the non-sexual. One thing I’ve noticed is that the sexual side seems to ebb and flow, to shrink and grow in severity. At its most severe, I start to feel anxiety about the fact that I have male body hair and weigh probably 15-20 pounds more than I’d like to. From what I’ve seen and read online, this is mild compared to what a lot of people feel. When I feel this way, I find it helpful to separate out the erotic components from the non-erotic parts, and reflect on those parts of me that are permanent and unchanging.

I like the erotic stuff, as you can tell from my Tumblr, but it’s not really what makes me who I am. I don’t have any reason to be anxious if some of it doesn’t get fulfilled. The non-sexual parts, however, are essential parts of me that are reflected in lots of vanilla ways, and are profoundly influential. I try to nurture these parts with lots of cups of tea, trips to the coffee shop, free time to write in my journal, yoga, running, reading, and other things that fit my personality but not my gender.

I hope this makes some sense. I’m trying to increase the number of posts here by worrying less about the editing…this post is probably 200 words longer than it would normally be, but taking those extra words out and tightening everything up takes almost as long as writing the thing in the first place!



6 thoughts on “Separating a Submissive’s Fantasies and Reality

  1. It’s definitely hard to find that line between sexual and non-sexual within a D/s relationship, if it even really exists. There are a lot of my own traits that have a quite heavy sexual element, and then there are many that don’t seem particularly sexual, but can carry that energy at the right time, in the right situation, with the right person. But that’s something I think D/s relationships have that most vanilla ones don’t. Because regular, everyday acts like dropping off your wife’s car can suddenly become charged with that energy, can keep you both actively engaged in the dynamic and the relationship. And that’s awesome.

  2. “Why did you write such a long post?”
    “Because I didn’t have time to write a shorter one!”

    I’ve only just found your blog, but it’s definitely one that I’ll be delving into when I have the time to read all the old stuff. This post definitely chimes with my own experiences, so it’s good to find like-minded people out and about in the blogosphere.

  3. “The big difference, which most male readers will recognize, is in what changes right after orgasm. Orgasm results in a major mood change as submissive-friendly hormone balances are interrupted. I suspect that fantasy about going down on your wife to clean up after her lover is a lot more difficult without some significant time in a very secure chastity cage!”

    I can totally related to that. In fact, that’s the major reason why my orgasms are limited. She sometimes openly regrets letting me come, and we have both openly share and agree that I am a better husband when I’m denied. I suppose it sucks for me, but it is super exciting as well. As I explained to my wife recently. being teased and denied results in a constant arousal level of 4/10 (10 being the moment before ejaculation) but the moment after ejaculation, it essentially becomes negative.

    I would not be surprised if my orgasms through the remainder of the year are in the single digits. But our marriage is awesome that way. Be careful what you wish for 🙂

    1. It’s a great point that you both agree that you’re better at your job when you’re denied! There are a lot of times when our spouses know what’s right, and even though we might want to protest, we submissives know the truth and have to accept it.

    2. I have just recently submitted to my wife but, I notice a definite change in my mood after orgasm. I actually prefer to be denied because of this change and notice that it takes quite a while to get my mood back. I notice that I am not near as agreeable when allowed to orgasm.

      1. Great comment, thanks for writing! It’s funny, we males spend so much time and effort trying to orgasm, and then so many of us realize we’re better people when we don’t! If only more males understood this…I hope for your sake you get fewer orgasms this year.

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