I’ve been thinking about why it’s worth it to identify as a submissive, and indeed why it’s worth it to keep writing this blog. But now I’m thinking we as a society have only started to scratch the surface of what dominance and submission really is, and how it can benefit us to know and acknowledge which, if any, we are.
I’ve been reading about non-D/s related things recently, especially in psychology and sociology, and I’ve been struck by how clearly they explain things, so a large part of this is a desire to make D/s concepts more understandable.
It took me a long time to figure out that “submissive” was the term to describe how I feel in relationships. Awareness of “dominant” and “submissive” types has grown in western culture over the past 10 years or so, but only in the most simplistic way. It’s still a punchline to a joke for many people.
Knowing that I am submissive was a huge help–even a relief–because it gives me a way to understand the many ways that I don’t fit society’s expectations.
Knowing you’re submissive means you can find like-minded people to relate to and learn from. It means you have a clearer picture of what a fulfilling relationship looks like and what your ideal romantic partner is like. It has helped me outside of romantic and sexual situations by helping me see that I prefer to see everyone happy, I like fostering agreement and mutual respect, I like supporting other people through challenges and helping people achieve great things. I get far more fulfillment from supporting someone in achieving something great than I do in achieving the thing itself–the few times I’ve been in the spotlight like that have made me feel very uncomfortable. My biggest and proudest achievements have been achieved alongside others. I’m sure this could be a whole other post, but for now it’s enough to say that knowing I’m submissive has been a wonderful thing. But this is because I happened to come across this world online.
I have a pretty strong feeling that there are a lot of dominant or submissive people out there who don’t know the first thing about D/s, and are missing out. They don’t see this way of looking at the world that would help them. This worries me, because I know how much identifying as a submissive has helped me understand my own personality and my relationships with other people so much better. And, as I already mentioned, I find it fulfilling to be helpful and supportive to people.
I get the sense from reading many blogs by other submissives, young and old, male and female, that knowing you’re submissive helps you reconcile all the things about the way this world seems to work that seem bizarre.
Knowing you’re a submissive gives you a way of understanding yourself and the way you fit in the world. You can find other submissives online (and sometimes in real life) that you can connect with. You can recognize and more easily articulate your needs and wants. You also know better what strengths you bring, and where you’re at your best.
Most importantly, being a submissive means sometimes going against what society expects. It can, if you want it to, be a transgressive act to fully embrace your submissiveness and all that goes with it.
For all these reasons, I think it’s important to help people who may be submissive learn more about what submissiveness is, how to recognize it, and how to embrace it.